3.5 years is a long break from blogging. Mostly I feel like I should document thoughts I have about myself. Since having Roman, I rarely think about how I feel about things and I don't want to lose track of myself. Now that I'm writing I am struggling for things about myself to say. All I can think about is Roman, Nathan, living with in-laws, buying a house, church, and work. I guess those are good things. Other things I know that I try to suppress - like the death of my friend Michelle in December and its affect on me, my best friend moving to Arizona, and the fact that I'm not a stay-at-home mom and I wish so badly that I could be. This season of life is completely wondering and heartbreaking at the same time. Full of bittersweet moments.
One thing that has really changed an challenged me has been going to LifeChurch. I always had a preconceived notion about it like it was fake or water down church because it appeals to people that aren't like me. Dang....there you go! Probably exactly where I need to be. And it has been that. Each message is like God is writing an inscription on my heart, telling me who I am to him and why I should strive for godliness. The biggest change I would say is that I have been able to be much more generous with my time and resources. I have been a very selfish person for a very long time. Michelle's death really changed me. Through ministering to her family after she passed, God opened my eyes to a lot of things. I could talk about all the things for days, probably. But mostly that the heart of Christ was to love people, especially when they are hard to love. I am so curious and pretty nervous about how God might teach me things in the future. Having a friend die was/is one of the scariest and most painful and weird feelings ever. Made me stop and treasure things. I hope that neve goes away. It's good for a person to do that, obviously. But bittersweet when it's because of such a terrible reason. Why don't we just always do it?! Treasure things and people. We know we should. I don't want to forget to do that.
One thing that I know for sure that I want to try not to do is wish this time away. Even though it is crowded and frustrsting a lot of the time because we live with Nathan's parents (they are wonderful, by the way, it just isn't an ideal situation, and we knew that going into it, but it has been a godsend) this is special and important time in my life and the life of my family. I wouldn't trade it for 10,000 full nights of sleep, or uninterrupted layout sessions by the pool, or even a perfect body (or even my pre-baby one). It's so special and I am so grateful.
Two of my goals for 2014. Quit drinking pop forever and be present in the moment. I'm doing pretty good at both so far. I'm 2 weeks "pop sober" which I think is more than I've ever done, since I was maybe 5 or something. And if Michelle's life taught me one thing it is to be present in the moment. I'm working on living that one out every day. It's a process.
My LifeChurh word of the year is Patience. Thinking about it all the time is changing me. Patience with my family, students, living situation...you wouldn't think so, but it's staggering the difference just thinking about it has made.
Gonna put the baby in bed. This is the 3rd time he's been put back to sleep since initially putting him to bed at 8:30. Teath and Winter are mean to babies.
The end for now.
